What is happening to my baby between 12-18 months?
I’m not going to lie, 12-18 months is probably one of the most difficult seasons of parenthood I have experienced so far..
Just after Farley’s 1st birthday we entered into this season of parenting that literally drained my soul. We had just moved house, I went back to work and all of a sudden our lives seemed to become that much more difficult.
When I look back at this time and think about every other difficult season in the 2.5 years I have been a mother, I still shudder. However what I also do when I look back at this time is understand what I could’ve done to make it a bit easier for myself, Farley, my husband and now YOU!
Let’s look at what is happening at this age for your baby:
Cognitive development: Language and cognitive function are exploding at this age and babies become very reliant on caregivers for reassurance, emotional regulation and helping them to adapt to new environments. Object permanence continues to develop and your baby’s separation anxiety may intensify. Many babies start saying their first words however they still can’t effectively communicate want they want or articulate their feelings. They don’t want to follow rules and can only usually play independently for 4-5 minutes at a time. Self control has not yet developed so they need help managing their emotions and having realistic boundaries set and enforced.
What can help:
Weekly toy rotation with fewer toys that are age appropriate.
Pour language into your child, repeat what they say and talk through what you’re doing throughout the day. Help them name and label their big feelings.
Give your baby limited choices to help them feel in control and like they can exercise independence. For example; Would you like to walk to the bathroom or should mummy carry you?
Practise separation through play - you can play hide and seek and other games where you physically separate from your child but then reappear. Use phrases like “Mummy will always come back” and “You are safe”.
When you’re 12-18 month old is having a tantrum, get down on their level and offer support. Hold the boundary you have put in place but help your little one work through their big emotions by offering a calm and supportive response.
Physical development: Many babies start walking or cruising and standing independently between 12-18 months. Around this age babies will often reach for things they aren’t allowed to have or that are out of reach which causes them frustration. They are discovering the benefits of being mobile but at the same time become frustrated because they can’t have whatever or go wherever they want. Many babies start to clap their hands and many have mastered simple sign language if they gave been learning for a few months. Many babies at this age become fussy eaters and start throwing food - very normal but very frustrating. It is also time for your baby to switch to cows milk from formula and most babies will reduce their milk intake and increase their solids.
What can help:
Barefoot is best whilst your little one learns to walk. If you need to go outside then look for soft sole shoes.
At this age babies need to be able to move and explore in the safety of your observation but without being restricted too much, offer safe activities where they are challenged a little but not to the point of frustration.
Plenty of hands-on learning time outdoors
Re-Baby-proof your home
Don’t force food upon you baby. Offer a ‘safe food’ on their plate along with the other food you want them to eat. Try not to react or get stressed when they throw food on the floor - this is a developmental phase that doesn’t last forever - ask your baby to put the food they don’t want on the table - persist with this, I swear it pays off when they get older.
Life changes: Many babies experience some big life changes between 12-18 months. Firstly, they may be starting daycare/nursery or perhaps you have hired a nanny. This is often a big change to the daily routine and it can take around 6 weeks for them to settle in. The other thing that usually goes hand in hand with this time is mum or dad going back to work. Longer periods of separation are part of life for most families but again this takes some adjusting for your baby.
The other thing that may also be happening for some families is welcoming a new sibling to the family. This can naturally cause some disruption to your 12-18 month old’s world.
What can help:
Get your baby into a predictable routine from waking up time to going to bed. Having this predictability really helps them feel at ease with big changes.
If you can afford it, do some half days at nursery the few weeks or months leading up to you going back to work - not only to get your bay used to the space and people but to give you some alone time to enjoy before heading back.
Ensure you set aside a minimum of 15 minutes each day after nursery to spend 1:1 time with your baby playing or doing something they enjoy. This means no phone & no tv too.
Talk your baby through the change. Babies understand so much more than we give them credit for and this is key for creating stability in changing circumstances.
If you’re introducing a new sibling or perhaps you’re pregnant and don’t have as much energy to spend with your baby, get support from friends or family to help take some of the load off.
Sleep: During this time along with the symptoms of disrupted sleep, you may notice your little one’s behaviour change and what is known as the “3 C’s” become very prevalent - clinginess, crying and crankiness. The 12 months sleep regression often presents itself with crappy naps, night wakings and sometimes early rising - don’t mistake this for your little one being ready to drop to one nap just yet. For most babies this happens between 14-17 months. When you do drop to 1 nap, your baby might be grumpy and cranky a lot of the time - again this is normal as they adjust to a wider awake window - it will get easier!
What can help:
This can be a great time to introduce a comforter to your baby - read more here
Stay consistent with your approach. If you have previously had an independent sleeper and all of a sudden sleep goes off track, don’t introduce any new settling tools (other than a comforter). You can offer more cuddles at bedtime and throughout the night if they wake, but try not to create any new sleep associations by doing this for too long. Feel confident when to call it - for example if your baby normally goes down without a fuss at bedtime and all of a sudden its become a battle, offer 5 mins of extra cuddles or add 10 minutes extra into the bedtime routine but that’s it. Don’t bring them into your bed or spend hours sitting by their cot.
Babies from 12 months can benefit from adding 10 mins of quiet playtime into their bedtime routine to let off any extra steam for the day. Don’t stress so much about bath and bedtime routine being this zen experience, have fun just don't get them too hyper!
Do not transfer them to a toddler bed yet! Wait until at least 2.5-3 years - this will only cause more sleep issues. Read more here
Time to wean from night feeds - read more here
Be aware of the upcoming 2-1 nap Transition - watch here for more
Wine and coffee always!!
Source: Instagram @healthiest_baby by Paediatrician • Dr Cathryn • TODDLER EXPERT
Now let’s look at what is happening for you:
Heading back to work: If you’re lucky enough to live in a country where you can take a year or more of Maternity Leave, 12 months is often the time when we need to go back to work. This transition of going back to work, whether it be part time or full time, should never be underestimated. You may be excited or anxious about going back or perhaps you’re starting something completely new. However you’re feeling about it, please remember to have realistic expectations of yourself and how the dynamics of your day to day will change. The simple fact of you not spending as much time with your baby can understandably be really tough for the whole family. During this time it is so important to be honest and open about how you’re feeling with your boss and your partner as it can be easy to feel overwhelmed. Try not to take on too much at work if possible and if you have support in family or can afford other forms of help such as a cleaner, nanny etc - ask for help. Even if it is just for a few weeks whilst you settle into your new routine, it can make all the difference.
You’re exhausted: 12 months of being a parent is utterly exhausting whether you have created a great sleeper or not. For so many of us, that first 12 months is full of learning, sleep deprivation and running on pure adrenaline. If you are going back to work at this time and perhaps you’re still having sleep struggles, you are probably anxious thinking about how you will function day to day on broken sleep. The physical and mental toll of 12 months of parenting can start to catch up on you around this time too, so ensure you are dong things to take the pressure off - Making purposeful time for yourself each or every few days, having good sleep hygiene for yourself, ensuring you’re eating well and drinking lots of water, making purposeful 1:1 time for you and your partner once a week and following accounts on social media that make you feel GOOD. If you’re struggling with your baby’s sleep - please think about tackling this before you go back to work with my Halcyon Sleep Coaching: 13-18 month online course.
Changes in your relationship: This can be quite a taboo subject and I don’t see a lot of people sharing about this on social media or even in mother’s groups or friendship groups. Parenthood changes your relationship with your partner. Even if you had a really solid relationship beforehand where you hardly ever fought, never really bickered or have known each other for decades, bringing a child into the world and dealing with everything that comes with it means you both change and grow as people too - and sometimes you won’t always agree anymore. There’s also often this unspoken competition about who is more tired.. Honestly if only your partner knew what it was like to be the default parent - right!? The thing is they never will and that is ok, but you need to find peace in that and ensure they can still empathise, support and understand your experience as a parent and vice-versa.
Please know, that of all the parents I know and speak to, I would say 9/10 of them all experience this. It is so natural for conflict to surface, especially when you’re both tired, but also if your parenting styles don’t completely align. My best piece of advice would be to invest in your relationship by planning a date night at least once a month, have a night each during the week where perhaps you do your own thing without each other and be open and honest about how you are feeling - my husband and I do this with a fortnightly MOT where we sit down and tell each other what’s been pissing each other off and how we want to move forward. I’m not going to tell you to make time for intimacy because I think people say that like its a really simple and easy thing to do. But if you feel like this is one thing that is causing problems, again be honest and seek professional support if you need to.
I hope you found this useful! 12-18 months is a tough time, but I promise it gets easier. When you’re going through this phase and implementing different strategies, always think about the future. What you do now and the way you face these challenges will be teaching your baby how to deal with things in the future so as tough as it is, try to remain calm, consistent and remember just because you don’t see instant results now, you will do in a few months time and be so happy you chose to help them learn in that way.
Hang in there, you’re not alone and you’ve got this!
If you’re struggling with your 12-18 month old’s sleep, enrol in my Halcyon Sleep Coaching course 13-18 months to learn how to stop night wakings, transition from co-sleeping to a cot and get into a routine that works for your whole family. You might also like my post What is Sleep Coaching?
This blog post is also a discussion I had on this episode of the Rest is Best podcast - listen below!
