Sleep training & secure attachment.

Independent SleepMotherhood
Written By Laura Davis
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Fostering secure attachment in children goes so far beyond where, when and how your child falls asleep, and it doesn’t happen overnight.

Like anything in parenthood, there is an overwhelming sea of (usually unwanted) opinions. There is also a lot of fear-mongering specifically when it comes to how our babies sleep.

I was having a chat about this exact thing in a discovery call a few weeks back with a lovely mama of two. We both shared about how as mothers we sometimes feel overwhelmed and guilty because there is so much information out there and so many different opinions, particularly when it comes to sleep. 

One opinion I see and read about more and more, is the notion that any kind of sleep coaching or sleep training will damage a mother-child bond, disrupt the process of a child forming a secure attachment or that it is not ‘natural’ to empower children with the skills they need to get the great sleep they require.

None of which are true by the way.

Let’s take a deeper look..

 

In the online world, ‘secure attachment’ is often confused with a parenting style called ‘attachment parenting’.

‘Attachment theory’ and the notion of ‘secure attachment’ was first pioneered by British psychologist, psychiatrist & psychoanalyst Dr. John Bowlby in 1940s after years of studying children with emotional problems. He continued his work in partnerships with American psychologist Mary Ainsworth and in 1988 he released updated work and in his book ‘A Secure Base’, explained his subsequent development of attachment theory.

I’ve summarise his years of research into a few sentences;

For a child to form the foundations of emotional and mental stability in adulthood, the infant and young child should experience a warm, responsive, and continuous relationship with their primary caregiver (usually mother or father) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment. The significant inability, for the primary caregivers to provide a consistent, responsive & empathetic environment and connection with the child can interfere with the development of a secure attachment. This has possible short & long-term negative impacts on the child's emotional and cognitive life. (Bowlby J, 1988)


Bowlby and Ainsworth’s work made significant waves in the scientific and psychological world throughout the 20th century. However there was still a lot of confusion as to what a secure attachment is and how to create one. In the late 80’s William and Martha Sears, a well-intentioned paediatrician and his wife adopted the word “attachment” in the context of the parenting philosophy they promoted. Their purpose was to help parents move away from some of the rigid, harsh parenting ideologies of the time and instead engage in the ‘attachment parenting’ philosophy. This philosophy promotes a specific set of parenting practices such as natural birth, breastfeeding & bed-sharing all with the pursuit of building secure attachment in a child. (Diana Divecha, Ph.D, 2017)

However what we now understand is that the process of fostering secure attachment is dynamic. It is not simply attained by following a single set of parenting practises. Rather, it is formed through the consistency and quality of your responsiveness as a caregiver over many years. It is important to understand that ‘attachment parenting’ practises are not the only way to foster secure attachment. Chances are if you’re reading this and you’re not breastfeeding, baby-wearing or bed-sharing, you have already started laying the path for your little one to be a loving, confident, empathetic, securely attached child regardless.

It is also worth noting that fostering secure attachment doesn’t require you to be the ‘perfect’ parent all the time either. It is a two way street where you are reading your baby’s cues and they are reading yours. And you don’t always have to get it right. Getting it wrong is how you both learn and going through the process of recognising you missed something and thus attempting to repair it, can actually strengthen the bond you have with your child. 

You may have heard the phrase, “The good enough mother.” The phrase was coined by the British paediatrician and psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott in his famous book Playing and Reality. The good enough mother explores the reality of being a loving, responsive mother who is not ‘perfect’ but is ‘good enough’ - which science has shown is truly all our babies need. An example of being ‘good enough’ is when the empathetic, caring mother allows the infant to experience small amounts of frustration. She does not immediately rush to console the baby's every cry. Of course, at first the time-limit to this frustration must be very short so the child only feels a slight amount of frustration.

“The fascinating thing about Winnicott's notion of the good enough mother is that he connects the mothering process to the child's cognitive development and the development of a healthy concept of external reality.” (Wedge, 2016)


So why is is secure attachment so important anyway? Well, getting it righting childhood promotes qualities in adulthood such as empathy, understanding, self confidence, resilience that are essential for leading a healthy and happy life. It also helps develop the necessary tools to positively regulate one’s feelings and navigate relationships with others in a healthy way.

Who wouldn’t want that for this kids right?

Well guess what, you can have all of this and teach your baby to fall asleep independently and sleep through the night too.

I wanted to share a little bit of my own story when it comes to this topic in the hopes that after reading this you feel more reassured, confident and positive about whatever parenting choices or practises you choose to make.


I never gave much thought to what my own parenting style would be before giving birth. I knew I wanted to be a good one, but other than that I had never heard of Maria Montessori, Attachment Parenting, ‘Big Little Feelings’ or John Bowlby.

All I knew that coming from a broken family myself, I wanted my child to be surrounded by love, affection and to create a secure base for him to grow, learn and find himself in.

9 months later, after a beautiful, natural water birth; I was breastfeeding, baby-wearing and bed- sharing. Three parenting practises I never saw myself being ‘locked’ into.

And they all just kind of happened.

However eventually, bed-sharing at night & baby-wearing for every nap that wasn’t sustainable for me or my family anymore. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. I did loads of research, googled the classic line “how do I get my baby to sleep through the night"?” and after a few weeks came to the decision that sleep training was the way to go.

Within 3 days of sleep training, our lives had changed. Farley started sleeping 12 hours overnight and 2 hours for each nap (in his cot). And I carried on being the loving, responsive, attachment focussed mother that I was, albeit much more rested. 

From my own experience with my confident, loving & empathetic little boy, teaching independent sleep has made our whole family happy, healthy and I am able to be there with patience, responsiveness & consistency every day.

I am an attachment focussed parent, even if my current parenting practises don’t align with the ‘attachment parenting’ philosophy. I am also a part time ‘Montessori’ parent, a ‘Gentle’ parent and a parent who chose to sleep train.

The whole reason I become a sleep consultant was off the back of my experience with sleep training and seeing the incredibly positive things it has done for my son and my family 2.5 years on. I am on a mission to empower parents to make the right choice for them and their family when it comes to sleep, whether that involved sleep training or not.

I have witnessed on many, many accounts that empowering children with independent sleep skills in the context of a loving and responsive relationship teaches them that they are safe and secure sleeping in their own sleep space. It does not damage their secure attachment, diminish the mother-child bond when done safely and with the right guidance.

You can foster a secure attachment and a wonderful bond with your children and also be a well-rested family.

 


If you’re struggling with your toddler’s sleep, enrol in any of my Halcyon Sleep Coaching courses 4 months to 4 years to learn how to stop night wakings, transition from co-sleeping to a cot and get into a routine that works for your whole family.

 

You might also like this episode of the Rest is Best podcast where I interview Dr Kansagra @thatsleepdoc, a paediatric neurologist, the director of Duke's Paediatric Neurology Sleep Medicine Program, author of My Child Won't Sleep: A Quick Guide for the Sleep-Deprived Parent and father or 2.

This is a great conversation for anyone wanting a bit more reassurance and guidance on seeking sleep support and the benefits it can give to your family.

References & Readings:

Laura Davis
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